I read something today in which the author wrote, “What did I do to the universe to make it want so badly to f**k me in the ass?”

Which got me thinking. What is the universe likely to say in response?

* * * * * * * *

Dear Individual,

I usually don’t take the time to write letters such as this (mostly because I’m infinitely large and have no opposable thumbs), but one of my lackeys recently forwarded your message to me, and it sounded like you could use a comforting word or two from me. I admit that I like you, and your posterior. A lot. But not that much. And hey, I’ll be the first to admit that I likes me the buggery just as much as the next universe does, but let’s be realistic here. I just don’t have time to give that level of attention to each individual one of my citizens. Not to mention the fact that a star–let alone a galaxy, let ALONE an entire universe such as myself–is vastly bigger than a single human anus, so suffice it to say that even if I did want to do that to you, I’d be simultaneously doing it to every other being and planet and star inside me. And to myself too, if you think about it. Which really isn’t my thing.

So rest assured that you’re off the hook, at least as far as buggery and I are concerned. I can’t speak for all those other universes or ‘string theories’ or whatever. You may wish to take up any further concerns you may have with them.

Please feel free to contact me at any time, but in all fairness, you really shouldn’t expect another response. Thank you.
Much love and peace out,
The Universe