Today I heard two strange and memorable things.

I should warn you that this entry may be a little bit. . .uhh. . .well, let’s just say that if your sensibilities lean toward the delicate, then this may not be a good entry for you. There’s no bad language or anything, but there’s plenty of talk about bodily functions. Did I say ‘plenty’? I should’ve said ‘all’, I suppose, because that’s pretty much the entire subject of this entry.

You’ve been warned.

Still with me? Okay, then you must be the kind of person who knows that sometimes you have to sink low to catch the really big fish, so here we go, hand in virtual hand, down to the literary and blogospherical depths.

Around ten o’ clock this morning, I took a break from work and went to the restroom. While I was standing at the urinal, I heard someone in the stall doing some text messaging while they were going Number Two. Now I don’t know why that bothered me so much, but it did. Taptaptap–PFFFT–taptaptap–(gruuuuunt)PLOP/SPLASH(exhale)–taptaptap. The images that came to mind were just not good ones. I hope he washes his hands like a maniac, and I also hope that none of his friends ever has an emergency and needs to use his phone. Okay, so that was Part One.

Part Two was when he started going Number One, and it suddenly sounded like he turned a faucet on in there. I’m talking about a big faucet. I thought to myself, ‘Man, that guy must have a huge urethra!’ Then I thought, ‘IT’S TEN O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING; I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT URETHRAS, ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE NOT EVEN MY OWN.’ I washed my hands quickly, left the restroom and walked back to my desk.

Normally this is where the blog entry would end. But not today; ohhhhh no.

This afternoon, in another trip to the restroom, I was standing at the urinal when a guy walked in, talking on his cell phone. That in itself is a little weird, but then he turned, walked into the stall and started urinating loudly, WHILE HE WAS STILL ON THE PHONE. I mean, come ON, dude, not only does your girlfriend have to listen to you peeing while you’re on the phone with her, but I have to listen to you peeing AND talking on the phone to your girlfriend. Do us all a favor next time and call her back when you’re done.

SHEESH.

People, man. I’m tellin’ ya, they drive me crazy.