For those of you who live elsewhere, Portland got hit with about 4 or 5 inches of snow overnight. This was a big surprise to those of us who’d been driving around last night, and it was clear.

So this morning, I get to work (don’t even ask how work was today), pull my phone out of my bag, to find a voice mail from Kelly, who’s stranded at work. When she left this morning, they were planning to be open, but at about 7:45 (when she was already on her way) they decided to close because the roads were getting bad. She actually had to park her car and hike up the steep couple of streets to her work to get there. The roads are starting to ice up, and she asked if I could come get her and take her home. I told my supervisor and headed home to put chains on my car and head out.

The short version of the story is that I’m 36 years old, and I’ve never had to put chains on a car before. It wasn’t pretty. I felt like the biggest retard since Retarded Jack McRetardson, back in 1687. I spent more than half an hour looking at little diagrams that didn’t make sense, reading things that didn’t make sense, trying and failing repeatedly, and feeling completely humiliated. So I go to call poor Kelly. By this time, she’s left another voicemail saying that her dad has an appointment at 10 something, she has a lunch packed, and she’s not going to freeze or die. So if I can’t do it, she can call her dad. Problem is, he has to come from Brush Prarie, but at least he’s got a 4-wheel drive truck, and he knows what to do with chains.

So I call her back and tell her I don’t think I’m going to be able to do it, and can she call her dad after all, because I can’t figure out how get the chains on. She agrees, but she sounds bummed, and obviously I’m super-bummed cause I feel like an idiot.

So I stay home for a bit longer, try to warm up and be less disappointed in myself, and then I head back to work. After a little while, I call Kelly to make sure she’s home and safe, and she is, so that’s a huge relief. Two hours later, my work sends us all home because the weather is now well below freezing, and the roads are getting really nasty. After walking home from work for the second time, I’m pretty tired, but I think of poor Kelly sitting there at work, and that’s all the motivation I need. It’s unacceptable for me not to know how to put chains on a car.
So I’ve just spent the last hour doing that. I’m freezing, wet, dirty, bleeding, and I still feel like a super-idiot, but at least I have effing chains on my car now.

Oh, by the way. There’s a Stephanie Schneiderman show tonight at Mississippi Studios. It’ll be really cool, if the show’s not cancelled. . .we’re opening for a French guy. I’m sure it’s gonna be cancelled, though.

Le Sigh.