beautiful, funny, sad & true

First of all, let me say Happy Halloween.

Second of all, I’ll spare you the details, but Joan and I are in the process of working things out. Some of our old ‘stuff’ came up recently, and that brought both of our defenses up a little bit. But we’ll work it out.

Third of all, there was a photographer at the event who took a bunch of amazing pictures at the most recent Breanna show. I’m going to get some digital copies, but they’re expensive enough that I can only afford two or three. Please take a look and help me choose? Thank you!
There are a bunch of stellar ones of each of us, but I think my personal favorites are 7 and 24.

This week is about to get crazy. Tonight’s Halloween–no, I didn’t dress up–and Joan and I are getting together for a while. I might meet up with Todd Sabel later on. Tomorrow is rehearsal with Stephanie’s band for the big Voices For Silent Disasters show on Friday night, and Saturday is a full-band Breanna Paletta show. Sunday we’re having a Breanna recording session in the studio. And speaking of V4SD, the artist appreciation party was on Monday, and it was a who’s-who of the Portland music scene. I’m looking for pictures from that night, and I’ll post some if I get ’em.

I’d say my wish from earlier in the week–you know, for the week to get better quickly–came true.

To continue on a theme that I started recently, I’ve been feeling better lately; better enough, in fact, that I don’t want anything to mess up my equilibrium. So I’ve pretty much given up coffee for the last week and a half, and only had wine a couple of nights in the last two weeks. I’ve been feeling much more like my happy-go-lucky self again, and less anxious and weird all the time.
This weekend, however, I had a couple of funny things happen that upset the metaphorical apple cart. Joan and I went out to see Paris Je T’aime on Friday night, and afterwards we went for sushi. After THAT, we went to Pix Patisserie for dessert. It was pretty fantastic, of course, but we also had a couple cups each of decaf coffee, which despite its name actually does contain some caffeine, as you know. So that, combined with the super-concentrated sugar in the dessert, kept me awake until around two in the morning.

At noon on Saturday, I went to the studio to play some parts for the new Susie Blue CD. (I played accordion, xylophone and Omnichord, just in case you’re keeping track.) I felt all cracked out and anxious the entire time, in a way that was obviously brought on by our post-movie binge the night before. After we were done recording, Susie invited EngineerJason and me to her dinner party that night. She, Jason and a couple of other people had gone mushroom hunting the previous day, so mushroom ravioli was on the dinner menu. Everything was made by hand, and it was mind-blowingly good. Naturally we had to have good wine with it, and also naturally, we had way too much of it, especially considering my practically monastic regimen these last couple of weeks.

So yesterday I was completely hung over. Slept till eleven, then just kinda dragged around for most of the day. I did manage to clean my kitchen and bathroom, though, so the day wasn’t a complete bust. Joan called at around five-thirty, and then she and I went to dinner at a new vegan restaurant called Nutshell. The food was incredible, and the service was fantastic, but there were a couple of things I think are worth mentioning that would keep me from giving it the glowing recommendation that it would otherwise get. The two-person tables are about a foot apart, which some people may not be bothered by, but Joan and I both felt pretty uncomfortable and self-conscious. Plus, when customers are getting up to leave or wash their hands, or waiters are delivering food, you’re more likely than not to be bumped, or get someone’s ass in your face, or worse. Plus, the room itself is reverberant and noisy enough that it can be a difficult to hear your own conversation, but everyone else around you is extremely audible. Like I said; these things may not bother other people, but introverts may have a tough time at Nutshell. To be fair, the restaurant is brand new, and I’m sure these quirks–and a few others that have been mentioned in various reviews–will be worked out over time. The food really is unique and stellar, and I’m definitely going back, but it’ll have to be a time when I’m in the mood for that kind of environment.

Today I’m back on track with the aforementioned monastic regimen, and I’m finally starting to feel my equilibrium returning. It was interesting, though, to have a test to see how all of the new changes have been working for me. I wanted to eliminate things that have been acting on my body, and keeping me on the roller coaster, so to speak, and I think giving up the coffee has made the biggest difference. I feel like I’m getting my easy friendliness back, and my sense of humor too; not to mention the fact that I’m even sleeping better. Crazy, how much something that we take for granted as a part of daily life can have such profoundly negative and strange effects on us.

Crazy how serious and long this blog entry is!

Tonight I’m meeting Crystin Byrd and her husband for dinner, and tomorrow night I have a Breanna Paletta gig. Breanna has another multi-instrumentalist friend who’ll be joining us on mandolin, and I’ll be playing cello, so this should be a cool combination. It’ll be the first time we’ve met or played together. Fun!

Here’s to a good pre-birthday week. The Big Day is now only seven days away!

I came across this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson today:

“Those who cannot tell what they desire or expect still sigh and struggle with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes.”

It really rang true for me.

Something tells me that RWE wrote it from the position of omniscience–as if he knew exactly what he desired and expected, and he therefore assumed that the readers would know as well–but I’ve struggled my whole life with indefinite thoughts and vast wishes. I’m working on defining them all the time, though, y’know?

Whether it’s ways I want to be treated (and ways I treat my partner, too) in a romantic relationship, things about myself that could use improvement, paths I want my career to take (and what I need to do to create them); a million things.

I’m working on believing in myself enough to do all these things; that’s what I think it boils down to. Do I trust myself enough to do what needs to be done?
Sometimes yes, sometimes no. In some ways I am infinitely strong and resilient. In other ways, if you so much as threaten to bend me, even a little bit, I break.

I’m not bummed out or anything, I’m just ruminating here.

I had a really nice weekend. The Young Immortals, Lauren, Valerie, Michael, Joan, Susan, John, and Renee all made their way into this weekend. And I still had time to sleep for twelve hours each night. Nicccccce.

There are two Breanna shows this week, both of which are Breanna/cello/violin. Should be a blast, as per usual.

I feel like I’m rambling now, but I just felt compelled to write and let you know that the weekend was relaxing but really nice, and I got to see a lot of friends I haven’t seen in quite some time. And on that note, can I just take a minute to say how proud I am of Jake, Mike, and Scotty of the Young Immortals? They were amazing to watch the other night, and their hard work is really starting to pay off.

Yeah, that last one was funny and everything, but now it’s time for a more ‘real’ entry.

I’ve been feeling a little strange all week; a little bit lonely, a little bit sad, and a little bit exhausted from work. I’ve even thought about writing to Kelly again lately, but I still don’t think that’s a good thing for me to do, so I’ve resisted that impulse.

In a way, I’ve been so busy these last few weeks that it sort of kept me from feeling the loss of that relationship, but now that my schedule has eased up a bit, I’ve had more time to feel it, and I’m not gonna lie; it’s been hard lately. Luckily, I have friends I can call to talk about it with, and who understand. But there are still some quiet times when I find myself missing her.

Tonight I went to another play reading with Todd Sabel and his theater group. The play they read was called “Dirty Water”, and I took my accordion and provided improvised background music and sound effects (WATER sound effects, no less. Who knew?). The play was written a couple of years ago by a local playwright named Devon Granmo for his college thesis. Hilarious and strange play, and even though it’s been performed before, it seems like it might actually be a work in progress. The playwright was there at the reading with us, which was really interesting. He stopped the group once or twice during the reading to say, “Oops. . .I forgot to change this part. Start HERE and then go BACK and start at this OTHER section.” He also asked for feedback from the group afterwards. If some pictures float up to the surface–and I have a feeling they will–I’ll be sure to post them here.

Oh yeah. . .there was something else interesting that happened at the reading. There was a woman there who wasn’t at the last reading I was at, who apparently plays the cello. When Todd introduced us, she asked how I found out about the theater group, and I told her Todd invited me to come play at one of them a month ago, and that I played cello the last time. She said, “You play cello? How would you feel about playing with twelve other cellists?” “You mean the Portland Cello Project?” I asked. “I’d LOVE to. I’m friends with Skip and a couple other people, and I’d love to come play.” “Well, they’re looking for new members; you should come down.” “Count me in, DEFINITELY.” The Portland Cello Project, if you haven’t seen them before, is an amazing group. I’ve been wanting to go and play with them for almost a year now, but so far I’ve been too busy with the bands I’m already in. Now that it’s fall and I have a little more free time, I’m going to take that opportunity, for sure. Groups like PCP are the reason I started playing cello in the first place.

The rest of the week has been pretty uneventful, quite frankly. I’ve spent much more time than usual at home, cleaning my apartment (which was long overdue) and trying to relax and deal with the hundreds of different feelings I’ve been feeling lately.

The moral of the story is that I think I could use another hug.

Wow, what a weekend. FINALLY I have a few minutes to fill you in.

Friday’s gig at the Blue Pepper in Salem with Breanna was great, of course. It was just me and her, and I played cello. Mark (the guy who books shows at the venue) joined us on acoustic guitar for a few songs. It was really nice to see our Salem friends again. Say what you will about Salem’s drug problems and crime problems, but all I know of the town is the Blue Pepper. Love it love it.

Saturday I sorta dinked around in the morning, doing laundry and stuff like that, until 5:00, when I had to get to the Doug Fir for TheStephBand’s soundcheck. We waited until almost 6:00, while the main band did their soundcheck, then we finally got to do ours. The show didn’t start until 9:00, so we all went our separate ways afterwards. I went home and relaxed for a while, had some sushi and took my time heading back. The show was great; quite possibly one of our best this year. Everything sounded awesome, and all our shows lately have made us really comfortable playing together. DrummerDrew and BassistWill are really becoming familiar with Steph’s music by now, and it’s nice to see them both stretching out inside the songs. Another fun thing about the show was that I got to meet a blogging friend for the first time. Elizabeth (you know her from Lizzy Dishes Portland fame) was there, and it was really nice to meet her in person. (Hey, Elizabeth!) Saussha and Conny came too, and so did Shelby. Good times were had by everybody, but I think I had the best time of all.

Sunday morning, Saussha and Conny and I went on a little picture expedition. We started down in Southeast Portland, looking for urban decay. There was plenty of urban, but not so much in the way of decay, so we headed up toward the industrial part of town underneath the Fremont Bridge. We each got quite a few pictures, but I haven’t uploaded mine from my camera yet–I’m doing that today–so I’ll have to share some with you as soon as I do. Saussha was talking about making a Flickr page, so you may get a real treat, and be able to see pictures taken by all three of us.
We spent a good amount of time out there, then started to get hungry, so we drove back across the railroad tracks to have a wee bit o’ lunch at the Widmer brewery. I wouldn’t say it was spectacular, but it was decent enough. Then I had to get to the Mississippi Pizza Pub for another cello gig with Breanna. This time ViolinistKarli was there, and that alone catapulted us to the Next Level, for sure. When she would do melodies, that freed me up to do nice counterpoint bass lines and harmonies, in an improvised classical style. The thing I love most about playing in Breanna’s band is that not only are we an amazing and textured rock band, but we can then turn on a dime (“I’ll give you nine cents change.”) and play in a classical ‘chamber pop’ style, and have even more fun because that’s such an unusual thing. LOVEITLOVEITLOVEITLOVEITLOVEIT.
Wayne (who produced her CD) was there last night too, and he joined us on glockenspiel and harmony vocals for a handful of the songs. So nice to see him and his wife Meg again. It’s the first time I’ve gotten to see Meg since all of us were in Yakima to play with Chad Bault two or three months ago. We (Breanna, her friend Jeff, me, Wayne, Meg, and Cris and Manda from the other band who played with us) went to the Crow Bar afterwards to talk until the wee hours. And yes, I brought my cello inside the bar with me. No way I’m leaving it in the car to be stolen.

Incidentally, that thing about stopping on a dime (“I’ll give you nine cents change”) is a reference I slipped in here for Alyssa’s benefit. If you too are wise to the ways of the Cos, feel free to leave a comment.

Today I have NOTHING to do, and I’m very happy about that. All I know is that at this moment I have nowhere that I need to be, and I can spend the entire day at my leisure. After so many days in a row of gigs and driving and trips and conversations and cars full of instruments, it’s nice to just sit here on a sunny day and read. Or write. Or listen to CryingNeighborBaby. Or best of all, I could just sit and reminisce about how fun this five-day weekend has been.