beautiful, funny, sad & true

One: You doing okay?

Two: No, I just ate an entire batch of cookies.

One: I really wish you wouldn’t do that. Makes me feel sad, and sad for you.

Two: I think I may need to go to the hospital. I’m not safe. Just drank H2O2 to try to induce vomit. Not working. Don’t know what else to do.

One: What’s H2O2? Jesus. Call 911. Seriously. You’re gonna do permanent damage to yourself.

Two: Hydrogen peroxide.

One: Jesus Christ. Do you want me to take you to [Hospital Name] or something? I’m not fucking around, and I’m not gonna sit here and watch you destroy yourself.

Two: I don’t want you to see me. I’m disgusting.

One: I’d rather see you alive. Want me to e-mail your mom or aunt then?

Two: No, I don’t want them to know. I’m ashamed. I’m sorry I told you. You shouldn’t be burdened with this.

One: Obviously you don’t want them to know. But either you contact them or I will.
(30-second pause)
E-mailing your mom and aunt now.

Two: No, they’ll freak out!

One: They should! This is serious. I told you I wasn’t fucking around. It’s cause we all care about you so much.
(30-second pause)
E-mail sent. If you’d prefer, I can take you to [Hospital Name].

Two: (two minute pause) I’m going to [Hospital Name].

One: Really? Good. Maybe they’ll take you seriously this time. You going right now? I just sent another e-mail saying that you’re going there.

Two: (eight minute pause) Yes, I’m here.

One: Good for you; I’m glad you did. That’s very brave. I have my phone on if you need anything.

* * * * *

p.s. – It wasn’t easy to post this. I only did because I didn’t want to be the only one who knew about it.

Wow. Have I really not written since Monday? Well, at the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s been a crazy week.

I’ve worked overtime two days, and in the evenings it’s been Breanna rehearsal/Breanna gig/Breanna rehearsal/Alyssa dinner and movie, and tonight is tango band rehearsal. I’m especially excited about tonight because we’re auditioning a pianist.

I’ve also been quiet lately because I’ve needed to. Lots of people have been asking how I’m doing, and I just frankly don’t know what to say. Half of the time I’ve been feeling okay about everything, and the other half I’ve been walking around with a lump in my throat. The third half of the time has been consumed by work, and the fourth half I’ve devoted to music. The fifth and final half is where things like laundry and sleep have been relegated to. Lots of people have reached out and called, but I just haven’t felt strong enough yet to reach back. I will as soon as I can, I promise.

Everyone’s been super nice and supportive, but it’s still really hard to talk about. Kelly and I are finally writing again, after two or three weeks of silence, which I think has been really good for both of us. We’re still trying to figure out what our next step is going to be, and she’s dealing with a lot of other things at the moment, so I’m trying to just lay low and let her deal with everything, and we’ll deal with our stuff after that. But I miss her terribly. I’ve had two song lyrics in my head a lot lately.

One is by the Long Winters:
AND IF YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA BE HERE LONG,
I’M GONNA MISS YOU SO MUCH WHEN YOU’RE GONE.

The other is by Thomas Dolby:
SOME WORDS ARE SAD TO SAY, SOME LEAVE ME TONGUE-TIED,
BUT THE HARDEST WORDS I KNOW ARE
‘I LOVE YOU; GOODBYE.’

I got a call from my dad, which I’m really not up for at the moment. I got a call from my brother, but I haven’t had the heart to call him back. I’m still not myself, and I need this time to heal and figure out what I’m really feeling and thinking.

I slept for two and a half hours last night, from 2:45 until about 5:00, and then dozed for a few minutes before my alarm went off at 7:00.

The driver’s side seat belt on my car is stuck, as of last night, so I have to figure out how to fix it as soon as possible. Here in Oregon you’ll get a big, juicy ticket if you’re not wearing your seat belt. (Plus, driving without it just makes me nervous.) And I have so many gigs and rehearsals, and I take little day trips practically every weekend, so I really can’t afford to have any down time where the car is concerned. Yes, I have a Haynes manual, but I know precious little about cars, and I’m mechanically inept anyway–which is why I have a Honda instead of another of the ancient BMW’s that I love–so any ideas or experiences you have are welcome.

I’ll be around this weekend, but I should tell you that writing is better than calling, because I tend not to answer the phone when I’m feeling like this. Just lettin’ ya know.

Hope everything’s good with you.

For Easter, Kelly and I met up with her aunt, uncle and mom at her auntnuncle’s house. We all learned how to make crepes (oh my GOD they were good!) and then we dyed Easter eggs. Somehow I managed to hardly take any pictures at all; must’ve been having too much of a good time!

I only didn’t write about the cello until now because I’ve been too busy playing it lately to write about it.

I took it in most importantly to get one of the tuning pegs fixed, because every time I’d turn it to tune up, it would slip and go completely slack, which makes the cello useless. So I’d been unable to play for weeks.
(With the exception of the other day, of course, when my friend Sam loaned me his cello for rehearsal with Steph. Thank you, Sam!)
Since I was taking it in for that repair anyway, I had a new end pin (the ‘pin’ that the cello sits on) and tailpiece (where the strings attach) installed at the same time. Now it sits at the correct height, the strings stay in tune, and it’s much easier to adjust the fine tuning also. What a difference!

I picked it up on Thursday afternoon, and had rehearsal with Jaime & Becky that night. Ohmygosh, we had so much fun! They haven’t been playing any gigs for probably a year, because Becky was in Russia teaching and volunteering, but now she’s back, and they’re back. So look for us to start playing out a bit.

Last night, Alyssa and I sat out and talked for a while, then used a two-for-one coupon and went to get a slice of pizza. I had the first pepperoni I’ve had in six months. (Before that, it had been about a year and a half, on my birthday.) Kelly called while we were still at the pizza place, and I told her about the Pepperoni Factor. She said, “You know there’s pork in that.”
“That’s what I hear.”
“You know you’re gonna go to hell.”
“Tchyeah. I knew that, ’cause of all the taking-the-Lord’s-name-in-vain and the copious amounts of pre-marital sex.”

Anyway.

The pepperoni tasted good, but I don’t think it really agreed with me; I’m feeling it this morning. After that, I ended up with a couple of hours to myself, so I pulled out the cello and just sat and played my little heart out. I have to re-learn everything, because it feels like a completely different instrument now. I have to learn how to hold it between my knees, how to make my left arm go to just the right places on the neck, and how to make the bow go to just the right places on the strings.

Funny how I’ve learned to play on such an unconventional instrument. Cello’s a difficult instrument to learn anyway–and this is from someone who plays piano, accordion, guitar, bass, drums, organ, keyboards, AND cello–but throw in all the weird quirks and incorrect angles that mine has, and I’m sure I’ll have plenty of habits to un-learn.

The good news is that when I play on someone else’s instrument, suddenly everything feels right, and it makes playing incredibly easier, but their instruments aren’t usually of the same quality as mine. Mine may look all banged up, or not be as pretty as most, but it’s really a superb instrument. You can tell, even by the way it resonates when you pluck the strings. It’s an Ernst Heinrich Roth, from 1963. Loveitloveitloveitloveit.

And it won’t be much longer before it’s completely fixed and adjusted to standard specifications, which will make it sound even better and play even easier.

I can’t wait!

It was a really nice weekend, but really super busy at the same time.

I took my cello in for Part One of a two-part major overhaul. It’s getting lots of little things fixed and upgraded, and it’s going to get its body re-glued, because the glue’s so old that the thing is barely able to hold itself together anymore. Having that fixed will make a huge improvement in the sound of the instrument, and all the other little fixes will help with its playability. It will sit at the correct height and stay in tune better now; both very important things. Part Two of the overhaul will require major surgery on the fingerboard and neck, and will be much more expensive, so I’ll have to save up a bit for it.

We did more Susie Blue recording with Jason Roark last Saturday. We tracked drums, accordion, and hand claps. After I got home and unloaded my car, Kelly and I went to Urban Outfitters, and I got a cool new pair of pants. Very exciting. I was supposed to go to a show that night, but I was pretty beat after working hard in the studio, so I went back over to Kelly’s, intending to crash, but instead we stayed up really late, drinking chardonnay and watching “Young Frankenstein.” (That’s FRAHNK-en-shteen. . .)

When I got home on Sunday morning, I spent the next two or three hours washing, vacuuming, and detailing my car. Afterwards, I sat in the sun on the front steps of my building to eat lunch, when Kelly arrived. She walked over to Lloyd Center to look for some new clothes, and I met her after my laundry was done and I’d taken a shower. We walked around for a long time, and were both exhausted by the time we got home, so we took a nap while listening to the jazz trio rehearse next door. Pretty dang nice way to spend an afternoon. Then she went home and I went over to rehearse with Stephanie.

Came home all jazzed after having two cups of tea over at Steph’s, so I watched the first episode of the new This American Life TV show. What an amazing program. As a long-time devotee of the radio show, I’m glad they’re doing the television version the ‘right’ way. It has everything I like about the radio version, plus some other elements that just aren’t possible to achieve on the radio. Well done. And as a hopefully interesting aside, did you notice the show’s tag line? ‘Funny, real, surprising, unscripted, true.’ Don’t forget ‘beautiful’ and ‘sad’!

This week is getting a little crazy. (So crazy, in fact, that I can’t seem to keep up with my blog entries!) Rehearsal with Crystin Byrd, CD release with the Young Immortals for the Starbucks compilation, gig with Stephanie Schneiderman, cello back from the repair shop, and rehearsal with Jaime and Becky.

Next week should be a little less crazy. . .