beautiful, funny, sad & true

This whole morning, one of my friends and I have been having a very deep discussion via e-mail about the trials and tribulations of relationships, and ‘connecting’ with the kind of people that we want to connect with, and all that sort of thing.

One of the main topics was about knowing how much to ‘open up’ at first. Neither of us is shy, but both of us are super-introverts, which can sometimes make social situations difficult, and sometimes even impossible. When you factor in all the ways in which people can get hurt by each other, it can make certain aspects of life very challenging.

One of my particular challenges is opening up and just speaking to people. I’m not talking about the variety with a capital S, like in a lecture or something, I’m just talking about opening my mouth and having a decent conversation with a group of people, and resisting the impulse to clam up all the time. It’s not as if I’m not thinking of things to say, but I learned at a very early age that my opinions weren’t of any value, and that feeling has been hard to shake, even to this day.

Writing–about anything–is obviously not a problem for me. The fact that you’re reading this right now is proof of that. I feel like I have a good ability to effortlessly find exactly the right tone and words for a given situation. Doesn’t matter if it’s a Relationship Discussion or my thoughts about global warming. Comic, tragic, serious, or informative, or any combination of the above, I’m perfectly capable and comfortable, and I’m able to make it all sound like my own ‘voice.’

But if you walk up to me at InexpensiveOrganicGrocery and ask me something–especially if you’re with a group of friends–I’m going to get tongue-tied, awkward and jumbled in a way I never normally get. It’s because I got shut down so much and so early–by everyone; family, friends, even a few people that I’ve dated–that sometimes I just need to shut other people out.
It’s certainly not that I’m such a great fan of being by myself, it’s just that being around too many other people keeps me on guard so much of the time, and it’s exhausting. Lots of times I do manage to leave my guard down, but it doesn’t take much to raise it back up again, and then I’m pretty much tuned out.

The good news is that things can change. It takes re-training and constant vigilance, but it can be done. And once that starts to happen, there’s no going back.

A few years ago, I was at a party with a bunch of co-workers and their friends, and after about an hour and a half, I was feeling miserable, and having a strong urge to leave. “What’s wrong with me?” I thought, fairly viciously. “Why can’t I just sit here and have a good time? Everyone else here seems to be.” Finally it dawned on me; I wasn’t having a good time because they were horrible people, and not people that I wanted to be around. My thought turned out to be correct; they only seemed to be having a good time. Once I realized all of those things, I left, and didn’t go out with that particular group again.

I have people in my life now who I completely trust. I have some that I’m trying with, but the jury’s still kinda out. I’ve had to let some people fall along the wayside. I’m working on it. Sometimes it takes time to know what the right thing to do is. All I know is that I want to have a happy and successful life, surrounded by people who I respect and care about, and who respect and care about me too.

But sometimes I have doubts and setbacks. I’ve been feeling a lot of them lately.

If you ask me about them, and if I can tell that you’re genuinely interested, I’ll be glad to share them with you. I may trip over my tongue, or not know what to say. I might not even know what I really think until I’ve had some time to process everything. I may not be as eloquent or lucid as I would like to be, either, but I want you to know that I’m trying.

My feelings and opinions ARE valuable, and I have things to say.

This is a roundabout way of saying that all of this is my New Year’s Resolution. To take myself seriously, but not be so hard on myself at the same time. To open up and not shut down so easily. To have a happy and successful life.

Today is the one-year anniversary of BFS&T. Actually, to be more accurate, it’s the one-year anniversary of this incarnation of it, because I’ve had a MySpace blog of the same name for two and a half years longer than that. I still use it for a few things, but this one has definitely taken over and become the main one.

Lots has happened in the last year. I learned how to take much better pictures, for one thing. This year’s ‘best pictures of the year’ entry will be quite a step up from last year’s.

This year’s musical accomplishments have been a step up, too. The Young Immortals–whose CD I produced and played on–have had a song picked up by WorldFamousCoffeeCompany, and radio play all over the country. There are even some radio stations in France and Ireland who love and play TYI. There are teenage girls who make videos of themselves singing TYI songs and posting them on WebSiteThat’sLikeTV. This past spring, summer and fall, I made enough money at music-related endeavors that I could have quite easily lived without my day job. Too bad about the whole winter season, though. There’s always a huge drop-off then, and I’m still trying to figure out how to make things happen in that time.

Cello-ness has been steadily improving as well. This year has seen the cello become one of the primary instruments I’ve been called to play, both live and on various recordings. That has caused a certain amount of anxiety for me, since some of my friends are among the best cellists in this town, but I’m also not stupid enough to turn down great opportunities that come my way, either. If it’s something I can play, I play it, and I appreciate every gradual step up.

Romantic relationships continue to be a bit troublesome for me. The one this past year was one of the ones that really changed both of our lives, though, so I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much. As one of my friends likes to say, “You’re just making room for the one that’s the right one.”

Overall, I’d say that things are going really well. Goals? Yes, I have a few. Keep improving myself as a person and as a musician, take more ‘chances’ in my life, TRAVEL MORE, reach out more and be a better friend, take my music career to the next level (and figure out what I want that next level to be), and also to take better care of myself.

Oh yes. . .and of course, to keep blogging steadily. I expect you to help keep me accountable in these endeavors.

Here’s to the next year!

This week has been very strange and emotional. Been to visit MostRecentExGirlfriend in the hospital a couple of times, and I’m planning to go again today. Suffice it to say that I feel very churned up by all of this. She’ll be out in another day or two, and we’ll see how she fares. I have all my fingers crossed, my legs crossed, even my eyes are crossed hoping that she’ll be okay once she’s out and on her own again.

In other and better news, TossedIn and I did more geocaching yesterday afternoon. There are lots of good pictures to come. Mine are ready, but T also took a bunch, and I want to be able to include them too. Well, okay, here’s one:

Portland has a whole bunch of water storage reservoirs scattered throughout the parks in the city. There are two or three in Mount Tabor Park, and then there are others in Washington Park too. This one is in Washington Park, and it’s empty. I’ve lived here for twelve years, and this was the first time I’ve ever seen one empty. I don’t know if that means we’re having some sort of water shortage, or if the tank is just being cleaned or something. The angles and shading caught my eye, so I took a bunch of similar shots.

Came home, ate dinner and laid low for a while, then T and I met up again to go see the movie The King of Kong. Totally brilliant and hilarious; I recommend it whole-heartedly. You don’t even have to be a video-game geek to enjoy it, but it will certainly help if you are one. It’s more about the nature of competition, and the sacrifices people make, and the lengths to which they will go to be on top. Classic line, that won’t ruin it for you: “Some people waste their whole life trying to get in [to the Guinness Book of World Records].” Yup, great movie. Loved it.

Gotta clean up and make another hospital visit now.

I’m not gonna lie; I’ve been feeling a little bit off today.

Not sure what it is, but something’s not right. I feel guilty, in a way, for saying I feel lonely, since I have plenty of things to do, and people I’ve been hanging out with, but I’m missing a romantic connection, that’s for sure. I’ve been feeling the void a lot lately.

Parenthetically speaking, is ‘feeling the void’ a mixed metaphor? I don’t know, but at the very least it’s good old-fashioned sloppy writing.

ANYWAY. Enough of this void business. I’m sure it’ll pass. And everything could all change for the better tomorrow.

I’m meeting Sarah Castro right now, and we’re going to see Darjeeling Limited. I love Wes Anderson’s other movies, particularly “Rushmore”, and I’m excited to see this one in the theater.

Yesterday at work I felt achy and weird all day. Didn’t feel sick as much as exhausted and spacy. Walked home and decided that a bath was the best idea ever. Someone in my building must have been doing laundry at the same time or something, because the water never really got more than lukewarm. I had already ‘committed’ to the idea of a bath, though, so I took one anyway. When I got out I started shivering like crazy, so I bundled up and went to bed at 6:00 p.m., and I stayed there until about ten minutes ago. It’s now 11:30ish the next morning. The moral of the story is, IF YOU”RE SICK, STAY HOME FROM WORK. This guy I work with has had a fever for the last two weeks, and he refuses to stay home. Thanks, a-hole. Thanks for passing your Ebola on to the rest of us.

I’m supposed to go see Ben Lee tonight with my friend Shelby. Hope I feel up to it. I sure don’t want to miss the show, though. Guess I’ll stay in bed all day and see how I feel when the time comes. I’m feeling much better after spending the last seventeen and a half hours in bed. I’m also hungry, which is a good sign.

I have lots of things I’ve been wanting to write about lately, but they’re pretty huge stories–at least as far as blog entries are concerned–and I haven’t had a chance to whittle them all down into coherent and concise entries. The subjects include:

They’re all fairly interesting (hopefully), and all at least tangentially related. But instead I’m sitting here writing the substitute for all of them, entitled Dang It All, I’m Sick Again.

Thpffft.