beautiful, funny, sad & true

Yesterday I found this on Craigslist and bought it:

I’d been looking for a set of those for quite a while. Another week, another musical instrument for the collection. Sometime I’ll have to post the list of my instrument collection on here. That’d be fun, and I daresay it would drop your jaw.

My whole M.O. for this weekend is to keep myself busy.

Busy to keep myself from thinking about painful things; from spending too much time on the computer looking at things that will only hurt me more and confuse me more; from comparing myself to people I have no business comparing myself to; from thinking horrible thoughts about myself, et cetera.

Those things are all things that we do when we are hurting, but they’re not GOOD things, and I’m trying not to go down those roads. Some times I’m more successful than other times. I’m still feeling really sad, but I know that I have friends who care about me, and who have no patience for self-pity. Those are the people I need to be around right now, until such time as I find those feelings in myself again.

Tonight is a dinner and a movie with Joan. She’s really been there for me, which is especially interesting because right now she’s going through the exact same situation I am, so we’re able to sort of grieve and feel hurtnangry and still help each other out at the same time.

I have some down time tomorrow morning, which I’m a little worried about, but I think I’ll do okay.

Tomorrow night is a concert at the ampitheater at the Zoo. My friend Sydne has an extra ticket to see Robert Cray and Keb’ Mo’, and apparently I was the first person she thought to invite, which is really nice. (Thank you, S!) Anyone who’s talked to me about music at any kind of length knows that most types of blues-based music bore me to tears, but both of these guys are people whose music I really like and am genuinely impressed by, so I’m very excited to go. And of course, it’ll be great to spend some real-world time with Sydne. Somehow we only see each other a few times a year (Isn’t that weird?), but we e-mail like maniacs pretty much every day, so we’re always caught up on each others’ lives.

Sunday afternoon I’m going to see the movie “Stardust” with S & W and a couple of other friends, and then we’re going to dinner at Pok Pok, a Thai restaurant I’ve not been to before which was voted Restaurant of the Year this year.

So.

It promises to be a suitably fun and distracting weekend. And next week I have four gigs; three with Stephanie and one with Breanna. Nothing makes me feel better than that. One of the gigs with Stephanie is up in Bellevue, so after I’m done I’m going to my brother’s house north of Seattle, have dinner and stay overnight with them, dink around in Seattle for a bit the next morning, and then come back on Friday in time to stop at home for a bit, load my instruments in the car, and drive to Salem for the gig with Breanna. Now that’s what I call distraction.

I also need to remember to take my car into the shop one of these days. It needs a tune up or something, and the wheel bearings are really noisy too.

Anyway.

What I’m trying to say–by way of China–is to please send all your good thoughts my way. I need some cheering up. And if you know of any more good distractions, I’m all ears. Or eyes. Or whatever.

Dream #1 – The Inept, Peeing Caregiver

In this dream, I found myself in the role of a caregiver, for a middle-aged woman in a hospital room. I discover pretty quickly that I’m not up to the job, but for some reason I keep trying, and end up completely sacrificing my own needs for that of this other person. I don’t so much as go to the restroom, eat or sleep all day. Finally I decide to take a break, and so I go to the toilet in the corner of the room to urinate–for a really long time–when suddenly the nurse walks in the room. I’m embarrassed, but I’m still peeing, so I smile and give her a well-what’re-ya-gonna-do look and turn away. She does too. The person I’m caretaking walks into the room next–she’s been asleep in the other room–and I continue to pee. The toilet has disappeared by now, and I’m just peeing all over the floor. I’m barefoot, standing in a puddle about four inches deep. Completely disgusted and humiliated, I grab toilet paper and try to dab it up. Obviously it’s impossible, so I grab two paper towels, crumple them up and start dabbing. This is no good either. I think, “Maybe I should get a real towel.”

Gosh. I wonder what this dream was about.

* * *

Dream #2 – Almost the Feel-Good Movie of the Year

Audrey Tautou and a guy are a good-looking young couple. They’re driving home from a date, smiling and laughing, and the car flips over. It continues to speed along, upside down, and both of them are trapped underneath it. We see their hands get trapped and mangled. When we see them next, the two of them are in a hospital room, and their heads are bald, bulbous and completely swollen, like that of the Elephant Man, or Mon Mothma (from Star Wars, dontcha know). They both consider suicide, but decide that they want to live, and even to keep dating, despite their deformities. There’s a shot of them making love–a blue blanket pulled completely over them–with his head bobbing up and down underneath the blanket. I predict that this movie would give The Feel-Good Movie of the Year a serious run for its money. It’s got everything; love, tragedy, human drama, but most of all, it’s a story about the triumph of the human spirit.

* * *

P.S. I can’t decide if I want the name of my autobiography to be “The Inept, Peeing Caregiver” or “Bald, Bulbous and Completely Swollen.”

Maybe you can help me decide? Thanks!

PART ONE:

Kelly’s seeing somebody else now. I found out the day before I left for Nevada. I’m not going to go into too much detail about it, but the timing of it was pretty painful. After a couple months of not seeing each other at all–but still writing a lot–she and I had started spending time together again, and enjoying being close again. After a few false starts and ups-and-downs, we were trying to figure out what our relationship was going to morph into. But it seems that she wants me completely out of her life; at least that’s what her actions are saying.

I have a good track record of remaining friends with people I’ve been in relationships with, and so does Kelly, but OUCH. I’m really reeling from all this. I do miss her and care about her a lot, even still. After ten months of being deeply involved with someone, it’s hard to make sense of everything when it comes to a complete stop. But like I wrote the other day, it helps to have a busy, fun life and great friendships to fall back on. I’ve gotten some good, straightforward advice from the people I trust. And I’ve listened.

PART TWO:

I was at work when I got Kelly’s e-mails, and I felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me. I needed to get away from the computer for a while. I went downstairs to get some coffee and take a walk outside. One of my work friends was already in line. He was with another girl who works with us, and he introduced me to her, saying, “This is Todd. He plays in that band I told you about that we have to go see.” (He came to see Stephanie’s band the most recent time we played at Jimmy Mak’s.) They asked when our next shows were, and I said, “Well, tomorrow Steph and I are going to Elko, Nevada, actually. We’re playing at the college down there. We played there last year with Dirty Martini, and had the time of our lives. I’m really looking forward to going back.” Just then our coffee was ready, so they went back upstairs to work, and I walked over to get a ‘vest’, or whatever you call those things that you put around your cup to keep the coffee warmer longer.

There was a woman waiting in line behind me, who had overheard our conversation. She asked me, “Did you say you’re playing in Elko? I have a friend who lives there. . .” She appeared to be about my age, and she had a faint trace of an accent, possibly an Irish one. She had short brown hair, and her name was Kelly. We had a really nice conversation about the friends we both have who have somehow ended up living in places and circumstances that don’t befit their temperaments and desires, and it even seemed mildly flirtatious. What would normally have happened next is that we would meet at a mutually-agreed-upon location at some specified time in the near future, but I was not in my usual state of mind, so that didn’t even occur to me. I hope she doesn’t think I was blowing her off. She seemed like a genuinely good person to know, and those kind of people are extremely rare. And who knows? We each now know that the other exists. Maybe she even reads blogs. Let’s find out:

Kelly–who I met in the Blue Heron coffee shop in Portland, with the geologist friend in Elko, Nevada–this is Todd. If you’re out there, I enjoyed our conversation very much, and would love for us to have another one like it.

There.

What I learned from the Blue Heron experience is that I shouldn’t get too disheartened about this new development with Kelly, because there are plenty of other good people waiting in the wings. They tend to make themselves known when I’m least expecting them, but they’re out there, and they want to be with me. They will appreciate me the way I deserve to be appreciated, and treat me the way I deserve to be treated. I will do the same for them.

Okay, it’s now Friday. I haven’t written anything since Tuesday. This is unacceptable, I know, but it’s been another busy week.

Kelly and I hung out the last couple of nights, which was great. We watched Da Ali G Show on DVD and played Tribond one night (she won), and the next night we went to the Mission Theater, where every week they play episodes of Arrested Development. For free. Then we came back and played Uno (I won).

My apartment is a total shambles. The other day I bought some new bookshelves, to match the computer desk and stuff that I got from Alyssa. I put them together, and they look great, but everything’s still kinda strewn around and disorganized until I can get rid of the old bookshelf, which I just now put on Craigslist.

Tonight I’m playing cello with Sarah Castro, tomorrow I’m driving down to Salem to play accordion and guitar with Breanna Paletta, and Sunday morning I’m driving to Gleneden Beach to play accordion with Susie Blue. From there I’m driving to Cannon Beach to meet my mom and stepdad, and my brother and his family. I may not have a chance to write until I get back, which is why I’m writing now.

So this may not be a particularly earth-shattering entry, but at least you’re all caught up now. Don’t you feel lucky and/or special?

You’ll be glad to know that Two is alive and well. Got out of the hospital after a couple of days, and that’s about all I know at this point. Staying with family for the time being. Recuperating and seems to be in good spirits, but please continue to send all your good thoughts her way.