beautiful, funny, sad & true

My friend and I were talking the other day, and during that conversation I was reminded of a joke that was making the rounds when I was in third grade–St. Joseph’s Catholic school–that has stuck with me, even these thirty years later. (Dang, I’m old!) Only one other person I’ve told it to has ever heard of the joke, and she also grew up in Washington state. Therefore, I have no choice but to assume that it must be a Washington thing.

So here goes.

Oh wait. . .a couple of disclaimers before I share it. It mentions the existence of homosexuality. If I felt it was derogatory, though, I wouldn’t post it. For the record, the gay friends I’ve told it to have all found it hilarious.

I suppose you should also know that it contains a few slightly bad words for both the female and the male anatomy, but they’re not that bad, and they’re nothing you haven’t heard a million times before on network TV. If you don’t like any bad words at all–or if you’re at work or something–then you may want to stop reading now, or else read it when you get home.

Still with me? Okay. The joke starts now.

* * * * *
Kid A: Are you a ‘fag’ or a ‘mag’?

Kid B: I’m a mag!

Kid A: Do you know what that is?

Kid B: No, but I’m no fag.

Kid A: Okay, so you’re a mag?

Kid B: Yeah.

Kid A: MaleAssGrabber? Gross!

Kid B: OH. No no, I’m a fag! I’m a fag!

Kid A: (turns toward full playground) Hey, everybody, he just told me he’s a fag!

Kid B: (angrily) What? Yeah, I’m a FemaleAssGrabber!
* * * * *

Anyway.

There’s also the alternative version of the joke, which adds a couple of letters to the synonyms involved:

* * * *
Kid A: Are you a ‘fagit’ or a ‘magit’?
(Yeah, that’s how they’re spelled; you’ll see why.)

Kid B: I’m a magit!

Kid A: Yeah, well, I’m a fagit.

Kid B: You’re a fagit??

Kid A: Yeah. . .FemaleAssGrabberIncludingTits.

Kid B: What’s a magit then?

Kid A: MaleAssGrabberIncludingTesticles.

Kid B: Oh, then I’m a fagit too. (By now he knows he’s been had.)

Kid A: Hey, everybody. . .etc.
* * * *

Out of the mouths of babes, eh? Man, when I first heard someone tell that–remember, I was eight years old–I thought it was the funniest thing ever, which actually reminds me of another joke from third grade. Or maybe it was fourth; I can’t quite remember. Anyway, it’s not an actual joke, it’s more of a response to one, and it can be used after any joke in the history of jokes. You’ll see what I mean. Oh, and there are no bad words or anything, so you’re safe.

* * * * *
Kid A: [just finishes telling a joke]

Kid B: Ha ha ha ha. That’s really funny. I first heard it from my great-great-great-great FiveThousandGreats grandfather–and he invented the dinosaur. When he first heard that joke, he laughed so hard that he fell off his pet dinosaur and broke his wooden underwear, and that’s what led to the dumbest invention ever; the inflatable dart board.
* * * * *

Yeah. You’re not the only one not laughing. You’re not really supposed to be, though, because it’s not meant to be funny. It’s supposed to be a joke killer, to be used when another kid thinks that he’s FamouslyHilariousComedian. As soon as he finishes telling some lame joke, instead of laughter, this bizarre monologue comes flying back at him. It’s guaranteed to kill any other joke, but be careful. If you use this non-joke yourself, you may very well end up looking like a supreme weirdo at the same time.

I think this might be one of the strangest blog entries I’ve ever written.

Wednesday night:
My friend Shelby and I went to see DrummerAdam and BassistWayne play with Stephen Ashbrook. Did I say ‘play’? Cause I meant to say ‘tear it up.’ They all sounded incredible. You can tell they’ve been touring together, because they were rock-solid. Adam even sang harmonies, which I’ve never seen him do before.

Thursday night:
Gig with Steph and the band up in Vancouver at a nice big park downtown.

Friday night:
Went to see a Very Special Susie Blue show. I play with her normally, but Friday night’s show was a birthday party request from her friend Erika, who wanted to see Susie rock out with her old band members again, like she used to years ago. It was pretty awesome. Joan was going to come with me, but she was sick, so she had to give it a miss, unfortunately. I invited Shelby instead. Total blast.

Saturday (today):
Got up early and drove three hours to Bend, played an hour-long gig with Steph, grabbed a bit of food, then drove home. SUCH A LONG DAY. I was invited to a friend’s party, but I’m way too exhausted, so I think I’m gonna crash instead.

Wow. This week has been such a blur that I can’t possibly explain it all–and I don’t even want to try–but here are the high points:

WEDNESDAY – After two rehearsals, Steph and the two new band members played our first show together. It was fun, as usual. DrummerDrew and BassistMichael both felt a little overwhelmed by all the new songs they had to learn, but they are both true champions and great players, and playing with them is a blast.

THURSDAY – I met up with my friend John to go see two different shows in one night. The first was John Vecchiarelli over at the White Eagle. In the interest of full disclosure, I used to play accordion with John three or four years ago. As usual, he sounded great, and it was really good to see him again. Jaime and Becky–with whom I play cello on the rare occasions that they perform–with were there to watch too. They joined us at our table, and Jaime told us that she’s leaving on Tuesday to go to Georgia for grad school. After that, John and I went to Dante’s to see Casey Neill and his all-star band play. We stuck around for about an hour, then had to call it a night.

FRIDAY – I took the day off from work because I had a gig in Salem with Steph and the band. We played outside at the Salem Art Fair. It was a rough gig for all of us. I spent the entire time wondering how to play the guitar. The sound on stage was very loud and strange, and Steph was having difficulty too. BassistMichael and DrummerDrew were frustrated with themselves, because they thought they didn’t do a very good job. I’m here to tell you, however, that they did a great job, especially since we’d all played together only three times before. Oh, and I realized after I got home that I left my blue hoodie sitting on a chair down in Salem. Crap.

Later that night, Kelly and I hung out for the first time in weeks. We started at the Mock Crest Tavern to see her friend’s instrumental jazz fusion band play. The Mock Crest is a tiny and not particularly nice place, but I’ll always have a warm spot in my heart for it since it’s the place where Jacob Ray and I met. They have a computer set up along the wall there, so Kelly and I got online and played some word games while we listened to the band. After we paid and got up to leave, I went to the restroom. As I walked in, there was already a guy in there standing at the urinal. He turned to me and said, “How’s your night going, man?”

I chose to ignore him, and walked directly into the stall. I shut the door behind me, and it slammed a little harder than I intended. The guy tried again. “Night’s going that bad, huh?”

“Nah, it’s fine,” I replied.

He took a minute, then said, “You sit around and play games on a date?” I didn’t even consider responding to that. From inside the stall, I heard him finish up, go to the sink, wash his hands, then just as he was leaving he said, “Loser.” I suddenly felt like I’d had the wind knocked out of me, and that put me in a funk for the rest of the night.

After that, Kelly and I went to Pi-Rem to watch the bellydance troupe Gypsy Caravan. We’ve seen them many times before, but Pi-Rem is the sort of place that lends itself perfectly to performances like that. We had a good time, despite the fact that I still couldn’t get that guy’s words out of my head.

SATURDAY – Woke up at 6:00 a.m. to meet Steph, DrummerDrew, and BassistWill to drive six hours to Clarkston, Washington. We played the Rockin’ the River festival. I had a blast, and this time it really felt like we clicked as a band. Steph was again frustrated by the sound on stage, so she was a little bummed about that. We also had some difficulty getting fed the way we were promised by the show’s sponsors. After the show was over, we decided to drive straight back to Portland. DrummerDrew had been singing the praises of a certain soul food restaurant in the tiny town of Waitsburg, Washington, so after a bit of hemming and hawing, we decided to stop and eat there. It turned out to the high point of the trip for all of us, and it was one of the best meals I’ve had in my entire life. After spending two hours there, we headed back to Portland, arriving at 3:00 in the morning. The two most memorable inside jokes were:

1) doppelganger:
“Is there a band called Doppelganger?”
“I’m pretty sure there is.”
“Is there a band that looks JUST LIKE them that’s also called Doppelganger?”

2) CD’s:
“These nuts aren’t gonna lick themselves.” (Don’t even ask–it was the end of an argument described by DrummerDrew.)
“Hey, do you like CD’s?”
“Yeah. . .?”
“You like ta SEE DEEZ NUTZ?”

Anyway.

SUNDAY (today) – I got up at 10:00 and went in to work, to find that there was hardly work, so I turned around and went back home. I needed to buy a guitar effect pedal that I needed for Gig #4 with Steph and the band this evening. I went to TradeUp Music, where they had a used one that looked like it was in really good condition. I bought it without even trying it until I put it through its paces when I got home. Luckily, it sounded awesome and worked perfectly, so it is now incorporated into my pedalboard setup.

I’d only been home for a little while when YoungerBrotherScott arrived. We went to brunch at Equinox, and caught up on the things that have been happening in our lives. It’s his and SisterInLawTina’s seven-year anniversary today, so they’re going out to Veritable Quandary tonight to celebrate. (In fact, they may very well be there as I’m writing this.) We went to a bookstore, then a flower shop, when he had to leave to pick up Tina. I had a couple of hours to kill, so I came home and took a nap before heading to my gig with Steph. It was a benefit show for autism research, and I wish I had more to tell you about it. We pretty much just set up, rocked, tore down, and left. I was dying to eat dinner and finish up some laundry, and now I’ve done both.

Wow. This turned into a rather lengthy post. What a weekend; it feels like a month. My bed is going to feel particularly good tonight.

This week is going to be completely crazy. Here’s what’s going on:

Monday: Work (one hour early), then first rehearsal with Steph and the new band members. Hip hop/jazz drummer and upright bass player. Frickin’ amazing, and it takes the band in a completely new and exciting direction.

Tuesday: Work (one hour early), then second rehearsal with the new band members. Came home, did a load of laundry, and practiced the cello while I watched a PBS show about synchronized swimming.

Wednesday: Work (probably an hour early), then leaving at 4:00 to come home, load up the car, and go to the first gig as this new incarnation of Steph’s band. We’re playing at Jimmy Mak’s, a very swanky jazz club, and we’re probably the only rock band who plays there. Oh, and my new glasses should be ready, too. I’ll post a picture as soon as I have a chance.

Thursday: Work, then I’m going to FlutistSusan’s to play cello at another sight-reading/rehearsal evening with her, myself, another cellist, and hopefully a handful of other people.

Friday: Daytime gig in Salem, Oregon with Steph and the band. Driving home, then going to work for a while. Yikes.

Saturday: Driving to Clarkston, Washington with Steph and the band to play the Rockin’ On The River Festival, and we’re driving back to Portland after we’re done with the gig. What? There are four of us; we can split the driving. It’s only four hours each way.

Sunday: Getting up early and going to work, if there’s anything left to do. Then meeting LittleBrother for lunch and a quick visit. After that, I’m packing up the car again and going to a third gig with Steph and the band at a private fund-raiser for autism research.

Monday: Work, then rehearsal with Breanna Paletta and BassistChris for our show in Salem, Oregon on the 28th.

Oh, by the way, I have two other gigs that weekend. I’m playing cello with Sarah Castro in Portland on the 27th, and accordion with Susie Blue in Gleneden Beach, Oregon on the 29th. After that gig, I’m driving to Cannon Beach, Oregon to meet Mom, Stepdad, LittleBrother, SisterInLaw, Niece, and Nephew. After they go to bed, I’m driving back to Portland to go to sleep and start the week of work.

I need to clone myself. Maybe my clone could go to work my job for me, and then I could go do all the gigs, but I have a sneaking suspicion that perhaps I should consider TWO clones.

Crystin, Aram and baby Lyric at Crystin’s parents’ house in Woodland, Washington.

trip to Sisters, Oregon for a gig with Stephanie Schneiderman and CellistSkip

I thought we agreed that it was going to be ‘Stephanie Schneiderman’ and THEN ‘Elk Meat’.  Sheesh!