So there are three sayings that I’ve had three different “dads” say to me. My friend and I were talking about this stuff this morning, and I got to thinking about all this.

1) “Excuses are like buttholes; everybody’s got one, and they all stink.”

–This gem is brought to you by my friend’s dad, who I actually heard say it three or four times.

2) “I’ve seen it all. . .I’ve been to Paris, France!”

–This one was from my stepdad, who has actually said it twice, so I daresay he believes it by now. And if you’ve ever met my stepdad, you know there’s never been a person who’s seen LESS. :) He’s a fundamentalist Christian, born and raised in Yakima, Washington. Still lives there. Never really been anywhere, except when he was in the Army, back in the late 50’s or early 60’s. But they did stop in Paris, which probably means they spent a day or a night in the Pigalle (“oo la la!” and all that) so he thinks he’s seen it all.

3) “You know, to the sexually sophisticated, ‘punishment’ could be construed as a form of sado-masochism.”

–Yup, you guessed it. This is from my dad.

When I was in high school I was in a band, and my friend wrote a song called “Punishment”, which was all about something innocuous like being stuck in detention or something. But my dad had to go and let us into the way his mind works. You know, the mind of the ‘sexually sophisticated.’ :) And believe me. . .this is the tip of the iceberg where my dad is concerned.

Episcopal priest, by the way. (You knew I was a preacher’s kid, right?)

Man, what IS it with dads, anyway? This is why I hope never to be one. I just feel like I’ll be horrible, and I’ll say some ridiculously insane things, like “You know, kids, excuses are like buttholes. . .” and my kids will be telling it to their therapists and writing about it in their blogs twenty years later. No thank you. It ain’t worth it. My family’s got a good track record of huge distance and estrangement–on both branches of the tree–so I’m gonna end the cycle. :)

Time for sushi!